We all know and accept that babies cry. In fact, it’s something parents often come to love as it symbolizes that beautiful bond between parent and child when an infant’s needs are being expressed and met.

Your toddler’s first meltdown, on the other hand, can represent a whole new game and one that is often without rules. Suddenly, what were basic tears with a shortlist of corresponding needs and (relatively) easy soothing strategies can become a complicated tangle of tantrum triggers – and suddenly a lot less endearing.

Angie, Citibabes’ Citischool 4s teacher, shares with us her experience and advice in the classroom for parents managing tantrums and keeping tempers cool.

- Tracey Frost Rensky, CEO and Co-founder, Citibabes

Two year-old Mia held the jack-in-the-box tightly in her arms. When the teacher said that it was time for clean up, Mia screamed, “No,” and began stomping her feet. The teacher walked over to Mia, knelt down in front of her and said in a calm voice, “Mia, we are putting our toys away because we are going into the music room now.” The teacher reached for the jack-in-the-box and Mia began to scream; giant tears poured down her cheeks and she began choking out the words, “No, mine! No! Mine!”

If the scene above sounds all too familiar, don’t worry – you’re not alone. Many parents of toddlers have experienced similar episodes. The temper tantrum is a common manifestation of the toddler’s struggle for autonomy and independence. Toddlers see things from only their point of view. If a toddler wants something they cannot comprehend that anyone could want it more. Your toddler wants to make decisions for himself.

The reason two’s are thought of as “terrible” is because a two-year-old finally has the capacity to protect herself when she feels that she has been disrespected and that may take adults and parents by surprise. As the parent of an infant you get to make all the decisions for your baby: what to wear, what to eat, when to sleep. But now, our infant is a toddler who has language and more advanced motor control. She now has the ability to tell you what she wants and when she wants it. And, boy, is she going to let you know!

Here are a few things to consider about temper tantrums before you throw your own next time your mini-me has a major meltdown:

Be your child’s own BlackBerry: We’re not advocating getting little ones PDA’s, but the best strategy to avoid tantrums is to make sure you are reminding your child of the day’s schedule at every transition – just like a smart phone calendar or alarm setting. Reflect back on the times when your child has had a tantrum. Are you giving your child warnings and updates about what is coming up next in their day? Are you explaining to your child what you are doing next and why it is important? Are you giving him/her choices? All of these things can show respect for the toddler and, thus, minimize tantrums. 

Team up with teacher: If your toddler is enrolled in a daycare or school environment, it is important to talk to the child’s teacher about your views on independence and interdependence. Depending on the culture at home, your toddler may be striving for more independence, or on the converse, you may be focusing on your child’s embeddedness rather than individuality. If your child’s teacher knows your family’s values she can help manage a tantrum in the classroom in the specific way that you would want it to be handled.

Get so emotional, baby: Sometimes showing a child how to express her feelings can calm her down. You may need to state the feelings over and over, until the child realizes that you understand her. For example, you might say to Mia, “Mia, I know that you are angry because you want to keep playing with the jack-in-the–box.” We know this dialogue may feel slightly silly – like you’re a therapist in a Woody Allen flick – but trust us, validation works. It can also be helpful to read stories about emotions to toddlers. This helps your toddler begin to understand her feelings and how to express them.

Check the list: It is important to remember that your child is more likely to have a tantrum when they are tired, hungry, lonely, bored, or cannot express themselves. Go through the checklist so you can deduce what might be the cause. Finally, listen to your child, respect how they are feeling, and help them to verbalize and understand their emotions.

By Angie Blocher, CitiSchool 4s Teacher, Citibabes

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