This Holiday Season, Give the Gift of Life Beyond Parenthood
The holiday season is always a busy time for parents. Added to the everyday cooking, cleaning, taking the children to school, going to the office, scheduling meetings, helping with homework, and the overall balancing of work and home life, there are additional activities like shopping for holiday gifts, attending holiday parties, and decorating the house. In my case, I will also be packing and preparing my family for the 20+ hour flight to Australia where we will be spending the holidays.
Matt Schneider, founding member and Co-Organizer for the NYC Dads Group, shares his thoughts about how important it is this holiday season (and always!) to allow yourself the opportunity to find and develop an identity beyond that of a parent and caregiver. As a parent with a very busy schedule, it can be difficult to find time for yourself, but ultimately it will be better for both you and your family.
-Tracey Frost Rensky, CEO and Co-founder, Citibabes
I have been an at-home parent for the last five years, and during that time, I have struggled to find an identity beyond parenthood. There have been many stories in the press lately about work-life balance – usually about professionals who are trying to find ways to cut back their work schedules to make time to care for children and aging parents. I rarely see any stories about those of us whose balance has tipped in the other direction, those of us who spend most of our time caring for others and need to connect to a world beyond diapers, playdates, and doctor visits.
There is no question that an at-home parent could spend every waking moment on food preparation, laundry, cleaning, and everything related to childcare. I could spend hours poring over cookbooks and websites planning 21 healthy and tasty meals each week, then shop for local, organic ingredients, and then lovingly prepare the food. I could sweep up the crumbs after every meal and vacuum the house every evening. I could spend every moment I’m with the boys engaged in some sort of educational activity that is developing their executive function or social IQ.
I’ve certainly gone through stages when I have tried to be this seemingly “perfect” parent. I made the decision to sacrifice my education, my career, my ambition, and my identity to be at home with my kids, so I had better be the most engaged, most knowledgeable, and most skilled parent in the neighborhood.
At some point along the way though, my thinking changed. I enjoy being with my kids, but I’ve recognized that it’s not good for me or for them to have 100% of my time and focus on their wellbeing. I want my children to feel safe, connected, and loved, but not coddled, sheltered, and smothered. I also want my children to see a parent that that has interests and talents beyond folding laundry, making macaroni and cheese, and building fortresses with blocks.
So, starting with the premise that I wanted balance, both for myself and for my family, I started to think about what needed to give. In every household, there are tasks that need to get done, but if you want to create more time for life beyond parenthood, you need to give yourself permission to open up your schedule. Here are some questions to consider:
- What needs to get done and what is good enough? In my house my family needs to eat healthy meals, we need clean clothes, and it’s nice when our house is reasonably clean. I enjoy cooking, but pasta and tomato sauce with a side of carrots is gourmet enough for a five-year old and a two-year old. I enjoy playing with my kids, but it’s also good for them to play by themselves. I don’t mind doing laundry, but for me I’d rather do it all in one marathon session than spread it out over the week.
- Who gets the work done? Consider whether you are taking full advantage of the people in your life that are offering to help? Are you open to having your partner help, or are you pushing him/her away? Can you lean on family? Can you afford a daytime babysitter for a few hours during the week? I also have taken the time to train the kids to do some of the work. It could be me that makes beds, puts toys away, hangs up coats, etc., but I’d rather they do the work, even if it’s not perfect.
- When does the work get done? I have two hours, four days per week when both my sons are in school. I could use that time to do laundry, to clean, or to cook dinner, but I’d rather use this quiet time to accomplish something that actually requires focus and quiet (such as writing this blog entry). I can do laundry at night while we are watching TV. I can cook while the kids are playing in the afternoons.
Don’t get me wrong, none if this is easy, and the train can run off the rails at any moment. My best suggestion this holiday season, give yourself permission to find your identity beyond caregiver, both for yourself, and for your family.
By Matt Schneider, founding member and Co-Organizer for the NYC Dads Group
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Very interesting perspective
What a wonderfully articulate and well-written blog post. It’s my life exactly, and yes, so nice to hear it put into words. I feel so self-conscious about complaining that I get to stay home with my kids, and yet… You said it perfectly. Thank you!
I don’t know how other parents do it all. I’ve been a SAHM for a year and a half and just catering to my son alone has almost driven me nuts. kudos to those who have the drive, energy and resources to do anything else.
Part of the challenge with the work-life narrative is that at home parents are completely excluded from it. I have always found this a significant oversight, although I understand the focus on the paid work force. At home parenting is real, meaningful and important.
If you’ve any chance of re-entering the formal work place, it’s critical to make at least a small amount of time available each week to catch up on industry reading and developments – for emergency preparedness for your family if for no other motivation.
The work life movement is passionate about making the formal workplace better for when you do make that leap back, in what ever form that takes. I’ve had the challenge and blessing of doing it all ways – full time working parent, full time at home parent (still working), and now work from home mother managing four small children, a household and a couple of businesses!
Each family has to figure it out. The search for the right fit of professional interests, even if just staying connected, home management and the nitty gritty of parenting remains intense regardless of which hat you’re currently wearing.
P.S. And for lucky Tracey going to Australia for Christmas, I’ve done that flight so many times, the last few with kids, and the short version is that whilst I am jealous you get to go home, I am not jealous of that flight with small people
. Enjoy. And maybe bring me back some BBQ Shapes?!
This article is very well written and very interesting especially since it was written by a man. I hope Matt posts often.
This is a very well written article, but I do not see reference to the other half.
In my situation, I am a stay at home dad who also works from home. I have been doing so for over 2 years. During this time my wife has played a critical role in both assisting and allowing me to accomplish this life change. Not only do the above mentioned chores and time spent with the children need to be met, but now work has to be done and deadlines met. This is a double whammy so to speak. My wife and I sometimes find ourselves trading off on the train platform so I can make it to a meeting and she can take our daughter home for some quality time.
I remember working full time outside the home when my daughter was first born and I would get home and relieve my wife of her stay at home parenting duties to allow her a break. Alternatively, I would cook or clean if that is what was needed of me at the time.
Now that I am the primary caregiver, my wife and I split many of the home chores and I make it a point for her to spend as much time with our daughter as possible when she is home by doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I feel guilty when I cannot get it all done. I surprised my wife many a time when I managed to get so much done during nap time. My Marine Corps background trained me well to multi-task, organize my time, and sleep whenever possible.
In a nutshell, what I think is most important to pick up from this article is that men need or should be more attentive to the work/home balance and try to be as responsive and supportive as possible. There is no need for any one parent to have to try and do everything. This is a team experience, and it is so much more enjoyable to do things as a family whenever possible and show your children that their parents are supportive of each other no matter what.
As Ms. Winegar has stated, “each family has to figure it out. The search for the right fit of professional interests, even if just staying connected, home management and the nitty gritty of parenting remains intense regardless of which hat you’re currently wearing”. Well said.
It was so refreshing to see things from a male perspective that I could not help myself in providing a comment to further the conversation.
Hi Matt,
Thank you for your thoughtful, honest post. What I am hearing is that you are validly rethinking your work+life fit (with “work” paid or unpaid being just one potential part of that picture) now that your circumstances have changed. You’ve intuitively identified two of the key steps: 1) Creating a clear vision of what you want personally and in the other parts of your life, and 2) consciously redefining success so you feel good about this new reality you are creating.
Keep going and I look forward to hearing where this journey takes you.
Matt-I very much appreciate your perspective and the practical tips you offer. I think this dilemma is particularly challenging for those of us who are highly driven and achievement oriented. Being a parent is extremely meaningful but is often not enough to satisfy our personal needs for fulfillment. I have worked as a part time professional since having my children in an attempt to balance my desire to be a hands-on parent with my continued career development. This has resulted in a sometimes insane daily routine through which I strive to meet the needs of my family while pursuing work that I believe is not just a career but a “calling”.
My latest reality check is “what will the consequences be if I…” (insert latest dilemma)don’t cook a healthy meal tonight, miss the basketball game, delay the newsletter or report one more day? If I reflect upon this, I can often give myself a little slack (I cooked a great meal last night, I will make it to the next game, no-one is going to lose sleep if they don’t read my newsletter today!) Not everything is as critical or dramatic as it sometimes appears. Also, taking some “me” time is so important-most days I get up at 5:30 so that I can have my sacred half hour on the treadmill and/or reading a novel to help me clear my mind and keep my sanity throughout the day.
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It’s nice to read articles from a dad’s perspective. I am not a stay at home dad, but I try to work from home as often as I can so I can spend a lot of time with my daughter. Trying to balance work and my family life can be difficult and I appreciate Matt’s candid description on the need for maintaining an “adult life” on top of work and family.
Great article…I’ve been asking the “what’s gotta give” question lately myself!
Even if your work is being at stay-at-home-mom/dad, you still need to find that work/life balance. It’s nice to the SAHD perspective!
Matt –
You are my kind of parent!!!! I, too have stepped back in my career and am working on keeping my ambition at bay while I am what I call the “go-to parent.” I am a fantastic part-time Mom, but if I did this full-time there would be tears…both mine and my little one’s. Now that she’s in school more I find the isolation comes in the evening. My husband works very long hours and most of my friends still work during the day so I have little social contact. To combat that, I have a babysitter one evening during the week and one afternoon after school which allows me to see some friends and still feel connected to the world.
I also do the usual – I volunteer, using the skills I used to use professionally to help with projects I’m passionate about…right now it’s a new playground for my daughter and her peers: http://www.esplanadeplayspace.org/about/
My credo: “Put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others” And I think it’s important. I applaud you for doing so as well. And yes…spaghetti and carrots is absolutely a great meal for a 5 year old!
This was a great topic. It reminded me that I am still a person myself. not just a caregiver. Thank you.
Matt -
So glad you’ve called attention the very real identity shifts that come when the caregiving work is the piece that consumes everything – rather than the job. And that it’s coming from a father’s perspective. The crazy cultural expectations of the “perfect parent” these days seem more and more to be driving both mothers and fathers. As you pointed out so well, you could literally spend all waking hours perfecting all of the housework/meals and to activities that would supposedly raise IQ! Caregiving work expands to fit the time – much like paid work often does – unless we explicitly decide otherwise. And part of that decision is acknowledging that the caregiver has as much right to their own life as everyone else they are caring for.
The transition to motherhood and fatherhood has big impacts on our identities that seem to go largely unheralded. Here’s my take on the Identity issue from a mother’s perspective.
http://tinyurl.com/2f2depx
Thanks for writing this!
Kristin Maschka
http://www.remodelingmotherhood.com
I find that the standard is whether it will matter in 50 years. what they eat affects their health, so yes that would matter. If it were on china or paper plates, not so much.
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