Are Moms and Dads Really That Different?
If Matt Schneider, founding member and co-organizer of the NYC Dads Group, would have posed the question, “Are moms and dads really that different?” even just a few decades ago, I have a feeling the answer would have been much different. When my father first witnessed my husband Fil changing one of my daughter’s diapers, a shocked look came across his face as he asked, “What are you doing?!”
I know my dad is a bit old fashioned – and that is okay – but I am certainly grateful that my husband and I are able and willing to equally share in the duties of parenting. I didn’t have a lot of maternity leave after giving birth to my girls, and with my husband and I both working, we developed a routine that allowed us share the responsibilities and grow as parents together. So are moms and dads really that different? You decide.
-Tracey Frost Rensky, CEO and Co-founder, Citibabes
Parenting gurus often like to point out that moms and dads are very different, and they often use back-handed statements to suggest that mothers are inherently more capable and nurturing. These experts will say things like, “dad might be rough and tumble before bedtime, and that’s okay” or “so what if dad doesn’t fold the sheets the same way you do, at least he’s pitching in!” But, if we take a step back, I wonder if dads are really that different from moms, or if parents are just different in general?
Some argue that moms are more nurturing and just know how to be better parents. I’ve met both moms and dads that are happy to give a screaming child a candy bar to get him to settle down, just as I’ve met moms and dads that show up to a playdate with three or four BPA-free, reusable plastic containers filled with organic fruits and vegetables from the farmer’s market that have been sliced to perfect bite-size pieces to ensure that their new eater won’t choke. I’ve also known moms and dads who rush their children to the emergency room when they fear that barking cough might be croup, and other moms and dads that haven’t taken their kids to the doctor for more than routine checkups. These differences aren’t gender specific—the differences are based on individual instincts, knowledge, and beliefs.
Others suggest that because women are physiologically different, and thereby able to conceive, carry, give birth to, and nurse a baby, they clearly have an advantage as nurturers and caretakers. Obviously, fathers cannot conceive, carry, give birth to, or nurse a baby, but I’m not willing to concede that the nine-month gestation period or the six-months of nursing is determinate in the 216 months before a child turns 18. We have too many interventions (IVF, C-Section) and alternatives (surrogacy, adoption, formula) to say that the only parents capable of nurturing their children are the ones able to conceive, carry, give birth to, and nurse a baby.
What happens during those first few months can, however, be the beginning of the roles parents take on because of individual desire, societal and familial pressure, or merely inertia. For some families, one parent (often, but not always, the mom) takes the lead before the baby is born by reading the parenting books, signing up for birth/breastfeeding classes, and preparing the home for the new arrival. Right after the baby is born, she is the “knowledgeable” parent and, if breastfeeding, the sole provider of food. She is also the one that is at home after the first few days or weeks, so her expertise and confidence strengthens. You know the story from here.
Other families start down a different path. For example, my wife was not able to walk for several weeks after giving birth to our older son. She was breastfeeding, so at night I was the one getting up to get the baby out of the crib, bringing him over, encouraging them both through the process, and then changing his diaper and getting him back to sleep. My wife recovered after a few weeks, but we had settled into a routine where both of us were trying, learning, and gaining more confidence. This experience started us down the path we are on today.
There is no question that more moms are doing more work than dads in 2011. The first piece of good news is that I see more and more examples of parents figuring out a more balanced model, both out of desire and out of necessity. The second piece of good news to me is that moms aren’t working harder because dads are inherently different, incompetent, or neglectful; it’s happening because that’s the routine that so many families set up from the start. Moms and dads both have the potential to be capable and nurturing parents, but it does require hard work, practice, and a desire from both parents to want a partner and want to be a partner.
By Matt Schneider, Founding Member and Co-Organizer for the NYC Dads Group
I feel like it really depends on the individual. I know a few fathers who also share equally in the parenting duties, unfortunately that isn’t the case for everyone. everyone tackles parenting differently and that’s fine as long as it works
Hi Gale . . . Thanks for your comment. I completely agree that each family is different and that each parent is different. I hope to make the point in the article that fathers can be just as capable and nurturing as mothers, and I believe it is time to assuming we are so different.
Nice balanced observation, Matt.
Two years into being a stay-at-home dad I was convinced that there were no differences at all between men and women; it was a role: stay-at-home parent. Now eleven years into the process I’ve come to believe there are very real differences between how men and women deal with parenting. Of course these are GROSS generalizations, but that’s the foundation of most stereotypes, right?
Some of the change in perspective I’m sure is from being in a different phase of parenting. As our first pediatrician said (we’ve moved three times), “Your only job in the first two years is to keep your child alive. Real parenting starts later.”
Parenting two elementary school aged boys I’ve found more women than men are emotionally invested in how successful their children are in every element of their education (academics to extracurriculars). More men than women take the time to have a definition of themselves outside of just being the stay-at-home parent. That distinction is where the big differences really lie. The vast majority of stay-at-home moms are that and nothing more: mom.
Before I get skewered, as I said before I absolutely understand this is a gross generalization, and there are more than enough individual expamples disputing these broad strokes, but as my oldest approaches middle school the sample set gets larger and seems to support the generalization more often.
Note bene: This comes from a father who has done this stay-at-home dad thing in Boston, a Boston suburb, a New York City suburb, and now a suburb of San Francisco.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Lesley Dewar, Regarding Baby and NYC Dads Group, Simple Health Tips. Simple Health Tips said: Are Moms and Dads Really That Different? http://bit.ly/ec8Dvt [...]
“We have too many … alternatives (surrogacy, adoption, formula) to say that the only parents capable of nurturing their children are the ones able to conceive, carry, give birth to, and nurse a baby.”
—
I couldn’t agree more and, as a stepmom, I will add “step-parenting” to that list. I did not give birth to my stepkids, nor am I their mom. They already have a mom and a dad, but they have two bonus parents in me and their stepdad. We both definitely play nurturing roles in their lives.
I have also seen a tremendous amount of nurturing and strong parental instinct in my husband. He can kiss a boo-boo or hug away tears as well as any mom.
Personally, and as a parent educator, I’m seeing very positive and exciting changes. Dads are now the ones that often call about classes and show up to class each week with their babies. I think dads are just as capable of being the primary caregiver, and even as the secondary, their contribution to a child’s life is irreplacable. There is no downside to dads being more involved. We ALL have our parenting strengths and weaknesses. I don’t believe we can generalize about these as being male or female anymore, and that’s a GOOD thing!
Great stuff. I think one of the biggest things that we need to add and keep in the conversation is how we value or de-value those differences. Moms are not MORE nurturing but under our definition of nurturing (which leans to the feminine) then they would assumably be more nurturing since the bar is set to that side of the scale. Men nurture, nurture well, but nurture DIFFERENTLY. Kids need both styles and benefit from masculine and feminine nurturing and parenting styles. Men and dads are not HELPING in the housework if we are not setting mom’s style of housework as the right way. They are simply DOING housework. Moms and dads are different and they are BOTH right. Our problem in the culture is that we always set one gender above the other in one way or another. We need to get to the point where moms and their typical parenting style is good for kids as is dad’s very different parenting style. Who does the dishes and who cooks has very little bearing on how our kids turn out but how we approach problem solving, parameter setting for kids, nurturing and touch as male and female parents has a huge difference on kid outcomes. When kids see both parents positively approaching life from different perspectives, they are way better prepared as they go into the world outside of their home and parents. That makes both moms and dads equal and valuable. Can we at least agree on that?
This covers things nicely. Over time as this sentiment continues to gain more and more voice, my hope is that the misperceptions associated with the old paradigm will give way to the more accurate reality.
I also think the older mindset sometimes gives parents license to point to these defined roles as justification for how they behave in certain situations. i.e. A dad who hands off his crying son to his wife because, “how am I supposed to know what to do with him, that’s your area, dear.” Then the mother takes the baby rather than making dad learn because, yes, that is her role and she’s not going to share it with husband.
Good post.
As a generalization, of course there are differences. The same basic differences that exist between men and women. Which is not to say dads can’t learn a few things from mom (like empathy, in my case), and vice-versa (like holding the line). It’s why — in my opinion — it’s so important (if possible!) to have a mom AND a dad in the house.
Great post.
And another thing… we learn from each other, if we’re perceptive and/or teachable. Personally, I have been neither in the past but am working on it. Dads learn how to ‘mother’, mom’s learn how to ‘father’. If we both evolve to meet somewhere in the middle, methinks that’s a good, positive thing.
Enough from me. Again, though, it’s a very good piece.
Absolutely perfectly said!
Great post Matt! That vicious cycle starts so early – with mom (usually) becoming the more practiced parent – that it is easy to ascribe differences to biology when it’s really culture and practice. In response to RJ, I don’t think your generalization is off, I would still attribute that difference to culture as well. Women are sent the message that they are solely responsible for the success of their children – and whether we are consciously aware of it or not – that often plays into our parenting even as kids get older.
Kristin
Great article Matt. What I discovered through my friendship with various dads (those who take an active role in parenting, whether they are staying at home exclusively, or working) is a window into and an appreciation for, the very real vulnerability and emotional depth of men. It was a revelation to me that men and women are identical in this respect.
I always knew women were capable of ambition, competition and breadwinning-traditional ‘male’ qualities. I was not as sure of mens’ abilities to nurture and serve.
Our American culture charges fathers with a heavy burden – to hide their doubt and discomfort, worry and fear, and their love and longing for being with and taking care of their kids. Those men I know that participate in the daily & long-term emotional care-taking for their kids are stronger for it, and have helped me to redefine my notion of masculinity.
Great article.
I especially agree with Lisa Duggan. Lots of people helped us women actualize into well-rounded people (I’m actually a female corporate lawyer – the first woman in my family to have a demanding professional job). It’s time we really helped men get access to their full selves as well.
And that includes not only getting past stereotypes of “male parenting” and “female parenting” but giving our sons the emotionally healthy fathers, preschool teachers, elementary teachers, etc. that they need so someday they grow up in a world where it is assumed that boys are entitled to their emotional lives just as girls are.
Great article, Matt. I think many men cede too much of the parenting to women. Men don’t realize the opportunities for personal growth children provide, not to mention how beneficial it is for the child. Actively engaging in all aspects of parenting and nurturing provides men opportunities that focusing on careers or other culturally masculine distractions will never offer. Articles such as yours and the resulting discussion will serve to change that and families, men, women and children will be the better for it.
Absolutely true! My husband is more a mother to my children than I can ever be. He is the perfect rough and tumble father and the perfect nurturer, when it comes to it! My father was exactly the same way.